just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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