I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
