if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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