matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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