Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
PANTIES FOUND
Randomize
