No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
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That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
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the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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