There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
