Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
