so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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