atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.