she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
