I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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