the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
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It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
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You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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