I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
