Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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