i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
