and you said cock pushups were impossible
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
