and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Randomize
