my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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