You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
