i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
smell my finger.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
