So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
