I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
