I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
