A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
