new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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