it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
