My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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