batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
it's not cheating when I paid for it
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
