in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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