and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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