just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
