I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
