I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
