her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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