Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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