if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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