my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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