I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
