my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
