I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
