just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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