My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
