Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
