You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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