just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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