i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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