if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
