i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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