He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
