I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
