i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
