Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
