Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
My dick has a subreddit
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
