I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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