I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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