For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
i think im in europe. pls send help
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
there is puke in my bra ... again
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
