Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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