drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
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If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
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You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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