I haven't been this sober since birth.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
