i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
